The Wish of My Heart (aka "Jars of Clay's 'Two Hands'")

I'm not such a huge fan of Jars of Clay (with the notable exception of "Five Candles (You Were There)"), but their lyrics sometimes hit me right to the depths of my soul. It heartens me to know that there are other people out there who feel and experience the same things that I do, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
So, without further ado, here are the lyrics that sum up my heart's desire, in wonderful, flowing English verse:

"I've been living out of sanity
I've been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull you closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I'm a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We'll lost control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it's coming
It feels like a brand new day; open your eyes."

Re: Depression

You see happiness, but you can't share in it. It doesn't touch you, affect you.
You stand apart from it, detached and alone. Like no one else knows what you're going through.
Well, they don't. (As much as they say they do, they don't.) Deal with it. Live. How else will things get better?

~Inspired by "It's Kind of a Funny Story" and personal experiences.

Moviegoers' Adrenaline - A Freak Experience

I find it much more difficult to care about everyday life after I am taken out of it for a little while.
Whenever I go and see a movie at a theater, at least in the vein of movies I thoroughly enjoy (creature/supernatural features, mostly), I tend to gain a freak adrenaline surge after I leave the theater. Often, this has led to my doing some very strange things on the way to the car (i.e. dancing, jumping up on signposts or walls, jumping on other people, or laying on the rear window of my car and staring into the sky). It's quite a sight to see, I assure you. Once, I kept my composure long enough to dropped my friend at his house and drive home, after which I parked my car and walked around the park across my street for about an hour and a half (at 10:30 at night, in midwinter), until my hands and throat were numb from the cold. My mother was not amused, and when pressed for an explanation, I responded, "I didn't want to be in the house just yet." I almost did the same thing again tonight, but I resisted the urge, after lying on the side of my car for a few minutes and fighting the urge to jump the chain-link fence and just run.
I feel an intolerable need to be out in the open air, free of all my normal attachments, at least for a little while longer. When I am in the theater, absorbed in another world, into another person's life (or lives), I feel a sort of peace, and a sweet knowledge that nothing of my world can touch me here, save for the person that was transported to this world with me. And I so wish that I could take some of that peace back with me, but alas, it can only live in these other worlds, these scenes of the impossible, the fantastic, the inexplicable. The normal just doesn't hold as much sway over me after I've felt so strongly the pull of the supernormal.
The first time it happened, and many times subsequently, I told myself that it was because I had been sitting on my butt, doing nothing, eating a whole bag of candy. But this latest excursion to the realm of impossibility had proven me wrong, for no candy passed my lips while I sat, and halfway through the movie, I was literally vibrating in my chair, half from the cold of the theater, and half from pent-up excitement. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing or shouting out loud, especially when it was the least appropriate to do so. I felt so inhibited, as though the other people in the room were the only thing keeping me from screaming at the top of my lungs and laughing to the point of sickness. It frightened me a little, as this was the first time I had ever been to see a movie alone. I do not believe it is an experience I shall repeat, as the symptoms seem to grow exponentially when I have no one close to me who I fear may be judging my actions.
These strange and morbid feelings do not last for long, though. Thankfully. After the inexplicable surge of energy has left me, there is in it's place an incredible lethargy, weighting down my limbs and making me feel as though I have just fought an incredible beast. I lay down, and sleep calls to me. But I cannot sleep, for the energy that was within my limbs has now made its home within my head. My thoughts return to the world that I inhabited for so fleeting a time, running round and round until such a time as even my mind is worn out, and dreamless sleep then welcomes me.
I have never dreamt after an experience like that. not once. maybe my mind is too tired from dissecting every scene of the films, trying desperately to find a way back in.
This is unhealthy, I know. After my night of wandering in the park, my mom told me it was because I felt things too deeply, that I empathized with the characters until I truly wished I were one of them. I am beginning to believe that she was correct, that I am too passionate about things that are not real, and that I should redirect my energies towards the good of this world... but I can never seem to get up that kind of wanton enthusiasm for anything the natural world has to offer... except for God. He is, as always, my saving grace, because when I look to Him, all other things in my mind pale in comparison. Fictions lose their splendor, lies are shown for what they are, and the inner struggle of my being are rendered utterly unimportant. There is only myself and Him, telling me that I am perfect just the way He created me, and I need no more than that. And I always find myself agreeing with Him, though I can't help but wonder why He would let me feel these things if there were not some greater purpose for it all.
So it seems that, as with many things, time will tell. To what end my passion and feeling will serve is a mystery, But I will have a splendid time trying to find out.

But still I am left to wonder... am I the only one who has experienced this? Is there any other out there who feels as deeply as I do? You are in good company, I assure you. ;>

This Time, an Untrivial Matter

I'm sure by now you've all heard about the earthquakes in Haiti that caused mass devastation of the capital, Port-au-Price, which took many lives and injured a large number of people. if you haven't already offered monetary support to begin to heal a broken land, I suggest giving to either the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders.
Now, I am not trying to guilt anyone into giving up their hard-earned money, but this is a worthwhile cause, and after all, you can't take it with you. What better way to use your money than to spend it on people? A donation at this time would be a gift that continues to give.
I understand if you are hard-pressed for money, and no one would blame you if you chose not to give, least of all me, but I just ask that you each search your hearts and see if there is some amount, no matter how small, that you can give to help the citizens of Haiti rebuild after this horrendous natural disaster.

Below are a couple of links if you wish to make an online donation; there are also instructions on these pages if you would rather send a check instead.

Thank you for reading.

Red Cross Donation Page:
http://arc3.convio.net/site/PageServer?pagename=ntld_main&s_subsrc=RCO_ResponseStateSection



"We've got to come together 'cause in the end we can make it alright
We've got to brave the weather through all of the storms
We've got to learn to love"
-Third Day

The most dangerous tree you may ever encounter in your life

I was doing some web surfing today, and while looking at funny pictures of strangely worded signs on Oddlyspecific.com (an offshoot of Icanhascheezburger.com), I came upon this one: http://oddlyspecific.com/2009/12/im-intrigued/. (PLEASE check the link before reading on)
I scrolled down to read the various comments about it and came upon one about the manchineel tree.
The user “Crovie” warns “That tree can kill you in a dozen different ways. It’s poisonous, it has spikes, its spikes are poisonous, its leaves are poisonous, rain that falls on its leaves and drips off becomes poisonous, its fruit is spiked and if you get past the spikes the inside is poisonous, and if you cut it or burn it, it releases poisonous fumes.”
I read this and just thought, Wow. So you, readers, get a crash course in crazy-poisonous trees.
According to Wikipedia, my go-to source for fast facts, “A present-day Spanish name is in fact manzanilla de la muerte, "little apple of death". This refers to the fact that manchineel is one of the most poisonous trees in the world.” No kidding.
So look out, residents of Florida, the Bahamas, and the Carribean, and anyone planning a trip. It can grow up to 50 feet (15 meters) high, its leaves are a glossy green, and its fruit resembles a green crab apple. It usually grows near the shoreline, by the way, so if you see a grove of these, I suggest keeping your distance. In fact, they are so hazardous that many of them are given warning signs or a red "X” sprayed on the trunks to denote danger, so keep an eye out.
Don’t go burning it to get rid of it, though; the smoke it would release can cause blindness. Also, they are an endangered species, so you may never come across one. That just goes to show, no matter how deadly something is, there’s always someone out there trying to keep it alive.

Apparently, anything in the Euphorbiaceae family should be avoided, because another comment referred to the tropical sandbox tree, which is, as he so aptly describes, “insanely poisonous, grows hundreds of feet tall, every inch is bristling with thorns which are similarly poisonous, its seeds have the same general shape, size and sharpness as bear claws (NO, NOT THE DOUGHNUT KIND), it can grow just about anywhere, and to top it all off, the fruit (again, poisonous) F***ING EXPLODES. NO S***, IT USES THE SHRAPNEL METHOD FOR SEED DISTRIBUTION. You remember how I said they were shaped like bear claws? Seemed like a random detail at the time, didn’t it? So yes, dangerous tree, GTFO, holy s***, run!” (Edited for content ;D)
Very eloquent, “matt”; but he does make a good point: DON’T go near a sandbox tree in the spring. Luckily, unless you're planning on trekking through the Amazon rainforest any time soon, you won't come upon this killer plant, also known as the ‘dynamite plant’ to natives. This tree has three main uses: it is often cultivated for shade (which seems very dangerous to me), it’s poison is used for hunting, and it’s sap is used as an additive to an hallucinogenic beverage. Groovy.

"God, what happened to the world?"

Where has all the innocence gone? Why are we so suspicious of the reasoning of others? Why does every word and action have to have an ulterior motive beyond what can be seen on the surface?
And the greatest question of all: Why can't everything go back to the way it was before?

"HIGH SCHOOL - - 1957 vs. 2008

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sit s still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abuse d herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.
2008- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. she faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Posted by Doug on March 27, 2009 9:23 AM"
Permalink: http://granitegrok.com/blog-mt/mt-tb.cgi/3401

We tend to overanalyze nowodays. We are cynical. We don't believe that other people are worthy of trust. Maybe it's because we know that we ourselves are not trustworthy, that we are sinful and selfish. We don't confide in anyone, so we blow everything out of proportion.

...It seems so overwhelming sometimes.

How do we learn to deal? Pray. It doesn't always seem like that's enough, but it's all we have.
God CAN change things, if we just take it out of our hands and put it in His. And we HAVE TO trust that He will know what to do with it. We can't give it all to Him and then try to take it back. That's idiocy. Let God do what He does best: care for us. Have faith when it seems like all is lost. It's easy to believe when nothing is going wrong, but it's harder to follow when nothing is going right.
We must come to our collective senses, and find a way to protect the innocent without overreacting to every little thing
(Like using a sledgehammer to kill a fruit fly).
Let's transform.

"Dogs of war"

Blood and destruction shall be so in use
And dreadful objects so familiar
That mothers shall but smile when they behold
Their infants quarter'd with the hands of war;
All pity choked with custom of fell deeds:
And Caesar's spirit, ranging for revenge,
With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines with a monarch's voice
Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war;
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial.

- William Shakespeare, from his play, Julius Caesar

"Havoc!": Permission from a high officer to pillage, destroy and create general chaos. In the play, Antony sees Caesar's death as herald for coming war. The phrase "Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war" is a well-known one, often quoted by anti-authority punks and wannabe gangstas.
I wish to take it back and return to it it's original meaning, deeply rooted in years of violence and war. War, also, has been bastardized and made to mean "any disagreement that cannot be settled by talking." I have heard the words "This is war!" so many times, it has lost almost all of it's original meaning. War should mean "a large-scale battle over important beliefs that history will remember as being either supremely well-fought and reasoned or supremely foolhardy." Reinterpretation is not always improvement. (Just don't tell that to Hollywood; you'll crush their fragile egos.)
So I say to the new generation, let us take back what is rightfully ours - the English language - and restore it to its former glory, rather than let it be mutilated at the hands of uneducated, uneloquent, "don't-know-any-better-or-simply-don't-care" poseurs.

Will you join me?